3:22 AM
I can't sleep. Trish just called. I can always tell when she's been drinking or indulging in something else. This time I think it was just alcohol, but who knows. Trish has always had problems. When I met her she had her life together, but not so much any more. I love her to death, but I don't know what to do about her.
Let me give you a little background. She ran the apartment complex that I moved into when I first came to Florida. She is a few years older than me. She had two little boys from her marriage and was dating the father of her third child, who was born a few years after I met her. She had a troubled past, but was trying to set things straight and do right for her boys. She and her man back then had issues. The only good thing out of that relationship was their daughter. Trish didn't have any family support and few friends that were willing to include the kids. I loved the kids and didn't mind being around them at all. I would go over after work and help her make dinner and fold laundry. With two young boys, she was constantly doing laundry. After her daughter was born and she and the father split up, she moved to the west coast of Florida where some of her family was to try to get some help. That didn't help at all and she always told me she wanted to move back whenever I came to visit. The last time I talked to her, Her family was giving her a hard time, she was dating some guy that was bad news, and she had just lost her job. Things were bad all around. She asked me if I would take her kids if something ever happened to her, which worried me. She sounded depressed and I was worried that she would do something bad. Loving the kids is one thing, but I didn't know if I could be a single parent of 3 kids under the age of 13. That was the last time we talked. We played phone tag a couple of times, but never really connected. Then her number was disconnected.
Our conversation was very brief. She moved to Alabama with her kids because something bad had gone down with the guy she was dating. She didn't give me details. She doesn't have a job and she was saying how hard it was to find something there. She is thinking about moving in with her ex in MIA, which is bad news considering the last time I saw the two of them together they couldn't even stop arguing for an hour! I know what is going to happen. She is going to ask to stay with me until she gets on her feet. I just quit my job. I can't support her and 3 kids! Even if I hadn't quit my job, I can't support her and 3 kids! I have a 2 bedroom townhouse. Where would they even stay? She wants me to call her tomorrow, what am I gonna do...
6 Comments:
ewww...oh boy, this is a sticky situation. you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
I think you should honestly tell her that you can't support her and her kids if she poses the question. Tell her it would add too much stress on you considering you're in a state of transition currently. Then add in the usual "i'm sorry. I wish I was in a better position to help." make sure you sound really distressed when you say everything.
That's a tough situation for you to be in but there's an easy answer - if she asks to stay with you the answer is no.
Let's say you let her stay with you. Will that change her behavior of choosing the wrong people to hang out with or improve her skills for finding a better job? N.O.
You've been talking to her for years trying to offer advice and actual assistance. There's only so much you can do. You're not her man.
Maybe I'm too cold-hearted but if you keep saying A and the person keeps doing B yet they keep coming to you for help - that's draining and frustrating. I couldn't deal with it.
Be honest.
and UPfront.
That way, she can move on, without you as a possibility or CRUCH.
She can still have your support, from a distance.
If she's a true friend, she can totally understand that's going to be much on you, at this moment with your situation.
SP: You can only do but so much. I feel sorry for others, too, but they have to want to help themselves first. Besides, once you let someone move in with you, you'll have the hardest time trying to get them out. And since you're trying to sell your place, it would be a little tough having house guests and home showings.
All that you can do is direct your friend to places that can help her. Perhaps, there is a church or another organization that help her find a job and give her a place to stay temporarily. Because having her to move in with you to help her can hurt you. I think everyone's thinking the same thing here in these comments. I don't think anyone wants to come off mean, but your friend is an adult who is going to have to tackle her own problems to ultimately help herself. She'll be a stronger woman when she learns this.
I'm sure you would like to help but you are truly not in a position to do so. She has to understand that. Sometimes we have to fall on our butts before we learn to make better decisions.
Amen ShellyP & Chele.
I know it's been years, but at some point she's going to have to start making productive and positive choices.
And never mind the fact that you can't support her...do you really want to bring that kind of drama into your home?
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